And Fuck You Too

So... I need to talk to myself and at least pretend somebody cares? because the alternative is so mind bogglingly depressive that I just don't want to go down that route... Besides, I tend to think as if I were addressing an audience anyways so this is a much more sane application of such a thought pattern xD

To take a minute to explain things... Basically shit went to hell in a handbasket in all of say... Twenty minutes? To be honest, I'm still incredibly confused at what happen, who did what, and whether or not I was wrong. So be forewarned if the explanation is more than a bit sketchy

So, Max and Xenia had been going on about me [note: I know for a fact they did this to some extent. They both pretty much told me so, even if they tried denying it later...] for a bit, about the crap with emma in the past, and who knows what else to be honest. Max had been trying to get info from me, and maybe xenia too? Although she was more of just interested in getting me to admit that I liked emma? Which is funny as hell, because I really never did... She's cute, yes, but valley girls? Ha. No. Anyways, I had this sneaking suspicion that Max, Emma, and Xenia all mentioned in the same sentence wasn't good news? And when Xenia started talking as if she was talking to Emma, and her FB addition, then I knew shit would hit the fan, and it did....

So basically what do you get when you combine a manipulative bastard, a shallow /b/tard cunt, and the chick who pretty much has me by the balls? Chaos. Emma got the link to the old blog [which is why I restarted it...] and gave it to stryker and then took screenshots and just.. Ugh.

At this point is where I start seeing red, my blood pressure skyrockets, and I start going bat-fucking-shit crazy. I don't know who linked, or who did what. I do know Xenia and Max were both involved in it... And consequently I sent both to hell in a fucking handbasket on the spot...

Honestly, I can't even begin to express what I felt? The primal insanity that took over me for the next three hours? Just... I honestly gave up on life at that point. Because, see, I may surround myself with people who have given up on life. I may say I do, and to some extent I may very well believe so. But, unlike most others, I still try to keep my head up and fucking get somewhere. I don't want to remain like this my entire life... Is it so fucking much to ask to fucking be able to fucking trust someone? Seriously, I don't care anymore, because last night proved to me that life is effectively so pointless? Basically, last night all hope was lost, and I gave in to the absolute despair as I realized, this really is all there is for me. I must carry fucking Hitler's karma, I swear to fucking god. So, now, I don't care anymore. The only way my life is worth living at this point is if I get into a uni that I can afford in one way or another and is actually worth a damn. If none of that happens? Really... I'm killing myself because then life has absolutely no purpose.

I mean, I know it's foolish to try to find the meaning of life in high school, while a teenager? But I can ask for a fucking reason to keep living... That life fucking matters and that I'm not doomed to being a miserable cunt who is going to end up being a hermit? No thanks... Just... No...

That said, to be honest, I don't know what to think about the final details of what happened... I /know/ xenia had some involvement and I don't fucking care about max anymore, what he does/says/whatever. I no longer regret lying through my teeth to him, and I do lie to him, quite a bit. It just sucks when he tells that crap to Rin and I have to lie to him as well just so max can remain quiet, but oh well now. nah, that's not why I'm still fubared over last night...

Basically... I /want/ to believe, badly, in what Xenia said? And she /was/ the one to warn me after all... But... No, I mean seriously, just... No. At the very least she could have fucking stopped him because I know damn well the three were talking. Just no... I want to believe but there's no reason anymore, I know that that WHOLE situation has now effectively gone to hell in a handbasket. And I'll probably never come back on IRC now. Yay?

I dunno just... Yeah... I can't trust jack shit anymore, and although I thought I had gotten used to it... It really does hurt to fully fall into nothing, knowing you're stuck there.

Also, name of this place is Mori no Kouhai, or Forest of Decay/Despair/etc. I thought it fitting, as I no doubt that from this point on everything I post will be clearly marking my fall into insanity... I mean hell, I'm talking to myself at this point. And it's going to be that way forever and a day... So does this make this a diary then? Or just me being an emo whiny bitch documenting what he thinks is the last of his days? Afterall, cowardice knows no bounds...