And Fuck You Too

So... I need to talk to myself and at least pretend somebody cares? because the alternative is so mind bogglingly depressive that I just don't want to go down that route... Besides, I tend to think as if I were addressing an audience anyways so this is a much more sane application of such a thought pattern xD

To take a minute to explain things... Basically shit went to hell in a handbasket in all of say... Twenty minutes? To be honest, I'm still incredibly confused at what happen, who did what, and whether or not I was wrong. So be forewarned if the explanation is more than a bit sketchy

So, Max and Xenia had been going on about me [note: I know for a fact they did this to some extent. They both pretty much told me so, even if they tried denying it later...] for a bit, about the crap with emma in the past, and who knows what else to be honest. Max had been trying to get info from me, and maybe xenia too? Although she was more of just interested in getting me to admit that I liked emma? Which is funny as hell, because I really never did... She's cute, yes, but valley girls? Ha. No. Anyways, I had this sneaking suspicion that Max, Emma, and Xenia all mentioned in the same sentence wasn't good news? And when Xenia started talking as if she was talking to Emma, and her FB addition, then I knew shit would hit the fan, and it did....

So basically what do you get when you combine a manipulative bastard, a shallow /b/tard cunt, and the chick who pretty much has me by the balls? Chaos. Emma got the link to the old blog [which is why I restarted it...] and gave it to stryker and then took screenshots and just.. Ugh.

At this point is where I start seeing red, my blood pressure skyrockets, and I start going bat-fucking-shit crazy. I don't know who linked, or who did what. I do know Xenia and Max were both involved in it... And consequently I sent both to hell in a fucking handbasket on the spot...

Honestly, I can't even begin to express what I felt? The primal insanity that took over me for the next three hours? Just... I honestly gave up on life at that point. Because, see, I may surround myself with people who have given up on life. I may say I do, and to some extent I may very well believe so. But, unlike most others, I still try to keep my head up and fucking get somewhere. I don't want to remain like this my entire life... Is it so fucking much to ask to fucking be able to fucking trust someone? Seriously, I don't care anymore, because last night proved to me that life is effectively so pointless? Basically, last night all hope was lost, and I gave in to the absolute despair as I realized, this really is all there is for me. I must carry fucking Hitler's karma, I swear to fucking god. So, now, I don't care anymore. The only way my life is worth living at this point is if I get into a uni that I can afford in one way or another and is actually worth a damn. If none of that happens? Really... I'm killing myself because then life has absolutely no purpose.

I mean, I know it's foolish to try to find the meaning of life in high school, while a teenager? But I can ask for a fucking reason to keep living... That life fucking matters and that I'm not doomed to being a miserable cunt who is going to end up being a hermit? No thanks... Just... No...

That said, to be honest, I don't know what to think about the final details of what happened... I /know/ xenia had some involvement and I don't fucking care about max anymore, what he does/says/whatever. I no longer regret lying through my teeth to him, and I do lie to him, quite a bit. It just sucks when he tells that crap to Rin and I have to lie to him as well just so max can remain quiet, but oh well now. nah, that's not why I'm still fubared over last night...

Basically... I /want/ to believe, badly, in what Xenia said? And she /was/ the one to warn me after all... But... No, I mean seriously, just... No. At the very least she could have fucking stopped him because I know damn well the three were talking. Just no... I want to believe but there's no reason anymore, I know that that WHOLE situation has now effectively gone to hell in a handbasket. And I'll probably never come back on IRC now. Yay?

I dunno just... Yeah... I can't trust jack shit anymore, and although I thought I had gotten used to it... It really does hurt to fully fall into nothing, knowing you're stuck there.

Also, name of this place is Mori no Kouhai, or Forest of Decay/Despair/etc. I thought it fitting, as I no doubt that from this point on everything I post will be clearly marking my fall into insanity... I mean hell, I'm talking to myself at this point. And it's going to be that way forever and a day... So does this make this a diary then? Or just me being an emo whiny bitch documenting what he thinks is the last of his days? Afterall, cowardice knows no bounds...

Isn't it funny...

Ok so originally there was going to be something slightly emo, witty, and insightful about my weird self here, but after staring at the screen trying to make sense of the abstract concepts in my head... I ended up losing my train of thought, so instead I'll just rant a bit...

So, it turns out that this year will surely be one hell of a year. I mean, we're not even a full month in and it's already been a wild as hell rollercoaster. Some pretty fucking steep downs and some powerful and sudden ups with the most unusual twist and turns one could imagine. And the forecast is set to even more insane crap throughout the year as it passes so, needless to say I'm looking forwards to it. Although, I'm not entirely sure if the ultimate result will be good or bad? All I know is that it can't be worse than '08, that's for sure. Well it actually, maybe it can... We'll find out on March 3rd.

There's always so much I want to say in general to a variety of people in a variety of situations, so much I want to do, that I never end up doing that it's honestly quite entertaining. I think if people knew half the truth, they'd be quite scared, and wondering who the fuck I am and what'd I do to the [insert known name here] they know. I said at this some point didn't I?

Also, I'm not gonna be 40 years old, ever. There's no point in being a decrepit old man. if I get to that age, I'm killing myself on my birthday :/

It's Funny

It's funny how most people tend to make the assumption that I'm confident, arrogant, and egotistical. When I tend to talk about a subject passionately, people say that they at least remotely listen to me because I sound confident and like I know what I'm talking about. Hell even teachers, I manage to BS oral presentations so badly that even I have nfi what I just said, but I tend to get Bs and As in them regardless.

I tend to have this knack for acting older than I am. I act jaded, and carry myself with a certain arrogance and air like one sees adults do. Not to mention the reckless crap I do and have done seems to make people think I'm not my age... It's not uncommon for people online to believe I'm much older than I actually am, which is actually quite funny.

I seem egotistical and arrogant to just about everyone. After a while people seem to think that it tends to be that I act as if I know too much, I act better than others or what have you.

The truth? I should go to hollywood xD. Seriously, all of it couldn't be farther from the truth. My self-confidence and self-esteem is non existant, I throw the mask on for da lulz, and few, if any, can see through it. Fact is.... I think my self-esteem and mentality stopped growing when I was 13 xD. I have absolutely no self-esteem and confidence, and usually don't even believe what I'm saying myself. I tend to end up regretting everything I say and do a few minutes later, and thus rarely end up doing what I actually want to do as it's usually had less favorable responses as those which I perform under the mask...

Long and the short of? I'm another mindless sheep acting like how he's expected to. xD

Fun Songs and Crap

Crap... This is turning into a little spam fest for me isn't it? Oh well... Like I tell Scott, I'm extroverted, but circumstances for me to be introverted, and fact is I probably want to talk about a lot more shit than I do on average and just lulz around instead of being all serious all the time? 'Cept, 'tis life...

Anyways, onto the songs!

Te first one I posted on my facebook for da lawlz, but uh, eh... Anyways, fun songs that I tend to get stuck in my head a lot, prob. because the lyrics mean something to me at some point or another <_< (Coincidentally, I'm limiting myself to one per band... Jesus christ that's gonna be hard when I get to nickelback)
Senses Fail - Calling All Cars
Taking Back Sunday - Miami
Cursive - The Recluse
3 Doors Down - Kryptonite
Nickelback - Gotta be Somebody
Sonata Arctica - Victoria's Secret
Avenged Sevenfold - Critical Acclaim
Something Corporate - Punk Rock Princess
Josh Groban - Alejate

Ok, crappy spam over... This'll probably be deleted before I link anyone to it next time I rage... Wasting my time and talking to myself has to be a special skill, I swear.

Help is largely pointles

So a couple days ago my psych teacher said something interesting, something which I have heard before from people, and now heard reworded as part of a lesson a we are now on the unit of mental disorders and treating them...

"...Never try to help someone through it [depression] yourself, but it is absolutely important that they get some professional help as few can truly overcome [real] depression by themselves."

And it made me think a bit as, like I said, people have been telling me to get help for a few years after I adamantly stand against any thing they try.

Ignoring whether or not I'm emo, people have been trying to help me or telling me to get help for years, and I always shoot them down. I tell them I don't need it eventually and they yell and this and that. And the fact of the matter is I don't need help, because everything a shrink is going to tell me, I already know. The only way to fix my problem is for me to get some motivation and actually do shit, and the cause for 99.99% of them is none other than myself, and my own actions, I'm at fault and I realize this.

So there is really nothing anyone can do, which is why I'm so aversive to help. Or at least one of two major reasons. Fact is I don't need, and I will piss you off if you try offering it as I'll just turn it around. I dunno why this is going up? Probably as a warning? Nfi, but just something I sort of thought that made me lol as people seem to think I need it. Don't think it, because I don;t need it and I don't deserve it, my issues are pretty fucking petty  and they're all my fault to begin with so xD

Pointless Rant #6784

Edit: I remembered another good point... In order for someone to to be cared for, they must first care themselves, and since I don't care about jackshit [See: I couldn't care less for Haiti... In fact my thoughts when I heard it were "Life sucks and then you die, deal with it"] it leaves me pretty SoL don't it? xD

Life's little intracacies

So I just finished talking to Xenia again, and the outcome's a bit... Interesting, to say the least. And in case I manage to link someone here who isn't aware, although I doubt it, but it's worth mentioning: I like Xenia.

Now originally she annoyed me, and quite a bit. I originally hung out in the ainex-staff channel on irc for a lack of anything better to do and fagsubbing had always provided a source of unique entertainment to me. Xenia wasn't anything too strange or unusual at first, incredibly shallow and obvious, I paid her little attention. Well, little attention to anything other than the fact she was rather amusing to talk to.

But anyways, as time goes on I end up learning more and more about her, the more I talk to her the more I realize that there's a lot more to her than meets the eye. And from what I heard, I gathered there's a whole lot more to her. At that point in time, it became something of my goal to figure out exactly what was below the exterior and learn more about her. Simply solve the mystery presented to me.


But as time went on I found a strange thing occurring. What was originally a chore to forward my own agenda and interests quickly became an enjoyable task and what I once considered annoying I now looked forwards. She truly was fun to talk to, and the more I found out about the more enamored I became. I truly began to like her at some point around here. Or so I thought.

I realized that what I felt for her might have been clouded by the idea of her I had built up. I was mesmerized so strongly by what I didn't know that I tended to exaggerate what I did know. Honestly, even I thought a t this point that it was a passing phase, that I would get out of it eventually. And so, both giving up on the project and giving up on it altogether, I decide to go and ragequit.

A few months later she shows up again, talking to me about this and that and fagsubbing. Originally, I found it annoying again, for all of twenty seconds. Before I realized that she still retained the ability to entertain me and make me laugh effortlessly. So I slowly gave in, I tried to fight and I fought it hard, I figured it was a stupid idea but I couldn't. And I eventually lost. So after making a giant fool of myself, I start talking to her again.

A few days ago, when talking about it, she asks me a question that I end up beating around the bush miserably with, getting absolutely nowhere. Funny part was that she knew the answer from the start, although it was pretty obvious, I guess. But anyways, this time the conversation played out differently. Instead of it being rather one sided and pointless, it carried both a genuine and a hidden feeling to it that told me there was something more. Her words said I had a chance, a slim one, but it was there. I was planning on taking it, until of course I found out it was a slight chance... The "height" issue she gave me, which although I do not doubt to be an issue, is not the deciding factor in here, I'd think. Of course, that slight chance would turn out to be false, so I think.

But anyways, I came out of it sort of with my feelings a mess because I knew I liked her, she was still this incredible person, and over the next couple of days I sort of let it foster in my mind and once again let her turn into a larger-than-life figure in my head.


Upon talking to her again, she told me “You know, you don’t really like me. You think you like me, but that’s all.” And all though at one point I would have agreed with her, I can say that such is not the case, not anymore. Although it is probably that it’s not as wild or as extravagant as I made it seem, nor strong enough to make her fall madly for me, it has potential.

I do know for a fact I still think she’s an awesome person; she always managed to cheer me up, and incredibly entertaining to talk to. I still believe that in the future, I may have a chance, but in order for that to happen I need to hammer out my feelings myself. I can’t rewind and take back the lulz over the top crap, and to an extent I don’t want to. I realize my chance is next to none, and I’m not even sure if I really like her to the extent which I say I do? But I do know this much: I want to know more about her, much more, and from there time will be the ultimate factor. Hopefully; I will win her over as she has me.

Mirror Image Pt. 2

So, a continuation of the past Mirror Image discussion, over here. This one will be more focused on the emotional side as last time it was merely a footnote.

I realize that my post was still largely abstract? As most of my thoughts are horrendously abstract, and verbalizing them tends to be a pain in the ass. Really even more so when it comes to writing stories as when I do that my mind tends to move faster than my fingers and what ends up on paper tends to be pretty bad... Hiring Editor? xD Anyways the point is bare with me as I try to beat a sensible explanation out of myself, heh.

Like I was saying before, I have two of what I've come to understand as completely different personality and behavior sets. Logic vs Emotion. Facts vs Intuition. Coldness vs Romance. And the fact of the matter is that they are far too separate at this moment in time for me to attempt to explain one or the other by using simple explanations, I'll try to show more examples.

I tend to find that Idealistic side tends to remain in the shadows, merely nagging at the back of my head whenever I have a moments rest until it sees something it wants... See: Xenia/Xenia rant. At which point it completely overpowers all common sense and I rush in head first. Granted, I rush in head first no matter what when I do things, because there's no point in doing anything otherwise for me, but in general this path ends up being increasingly foolish. I do not work well when under the control of emotions, and I dare say most people don't, so most people will be able to understand what I mean. But at the same time, under emotional control I tend to end up making life much more entertaining and I end up getting closer to a middle ground, so does that mean I need to go completely ape shit or fall madly completely in love or obsessed or hateful in order to truly accomplish a balance? I would hope not o_o

But on the other hand, Logic alone leads me to a defeatism mentality. It leads me to give up on everything and push away, hide back in my shell from humanity.

But what I've seemed to notice is that lately, and generally in times of inner turmoil, I change back and forth within minutes, not entirely sure whether I'm coming or going at times.Then again, I always do stupid shit so can this just be considered an excuse? Dunno. Just know I wish life had a rewind button sometimes... I'd end up abusing it every other day since I tend to live life in fastforwards xD

Expect a Pt. 3

Mirror Image

So lately I've been realizing that there's this unusual duality in my thoughts and personality that's quite... intriguing. It's not MPD, nothing like it, it's more like a left vs right brain type thing, even if technically the left brain is silent.

I always have two distinct train of thoughts that govern my behavior. One is driven in by logic, the left brain, which coldly calculates and infers everything thrown it's way, but doesn't totally exclude the right brain, as it has it's pessimism and generally counteracts the cold logic just enough to classify it as realism. I always listen to this one most, follow what logic dictates, and often times sabotage myself as a result, and on purpose. This line of thought never gives me much room for positive emotion or hopes, and despite clearly realizing everything I'm capable of, ultimately draws the conclusion that is for naught, and pointless. Of course, this is slightly inherited from being predominantly right-brained, for the seeming futility of all actions is only accentuated by emotions.

A rarer one, that I tend to keep to myself, is a more idealistic, softer side. Really it only gets to be expressed in my writing and art, for although it's the driving force behind my attempts at making a better future for myself, ultimately when influenced by this side, I tend to draw the same conclusion: That is all pointless. Probably -because- I am idealistic and I realize that it is too late for me to do anything, that my failure is set in stone, the only thing remaining to be determined is to what degree will I fail. The few instances I give in to this right-brained logic, I end up regretting and going back on each and every time.

In fact, I think a majority of my life can be summed up by a battle between this unique duality as I grow up and try to come into my own. Sadly, I think my life will be only a mere fraction of most other's, as the path in front of me is pretty clear xD

Sidenote: proof of this is if you look at the last post versus this one, you get a good idea of what I mean by the duality of my personality.

School.

School... Somehow managed to be a massive fucking source of stress in my life... Despite my not caring enough to do shit about it. Rather, wouldn't it be because I don't care?

My grades are average, my classes are average, I'm missing credits out the ass and I take school about as seriously as I take narutards. Yet I want to go to a good college? Ha, yeah right, if I get accepted into a CC, I'll be lucky as hell. But I won't accept going into a CC because my ego and balls are too damn weak to admit my weakness, and going to a CC is the equivalent of shooting myself in the head... Except for the fact I'd much more welcome a bullet to head <_<

So I'm a failure, going nowhere in life, and yet I still have a holier than thou attitude... Aren't I fucking pro?

Seriously, I never study, I never have. I was homeschooled my first two and a half years of HS so I missed out on that. I have no friends in school because the few I don't absolutely hate are chicks, whom barely give me the time of day as it is xD

My grades slip constantly and I don't give a rats ass.... I don't care if I graduate or not I guess, lawlz. Awesome aren't I

LIfe sucks, get a helmet.

So this is where I let out all my anger and stress like your typical whiny teenager with no life what-so-ever. I'll rant about this and that and lulz about. If I link you here, use any of this to try to lecture me and I will kick your ass so far to hell, your grandchildren will feel it. 

Anyways, thats a suitable first post for now... Oh yeah FUCK YOU and remember: Life's a bitch, deal with it.